We need a ray of Light (pictured) in these dark times, so you are invited to choose your chat Fodder (and Mudder) from these retooled presentations.  

12:00-2:00 (?) DWOJKA POLSKIE:  CARMEN.  By eliminating the troublesome (and possibly spurious) final act, this performance of CARMEN ends as it should — Jose back in the village with Micaela, Carmen leading the high life with Escamillo.

12:00-3:00 LRT Klasika:  JUDAS MACCABEUS from The Proms.  Two rival street gangs make peace when one of their groupies gets a zit just before The Prom.

12:00-4:00 ESPACE MUSIQUE:  DAVID ET JONATHAS.  Saul blesses the union of David and Jonathan who ascend the throne as co-queens.

1:00-4:30 WFMT American Opera Network:  FIDELIO from Houston.  Karita Mattila introduces the Finnish finale, finishing the opera in Finnish.

1:00-5:00 CBC TWO:  ORLANDO from La Monnaie.  By staging the opera on 42nd Street in Orlando, Florida, the director is able to introduce the big chorus number, “We’re in the Monnaie.”

1:00-5:00 KBYU, WQED:  LUCREZIA BORGIA from San Francisco.  Lucrezia’s dotty Auntie Dotie enters at the last moment to resurrect everybody.

1:00-4:00 NPR World of Opera:  Either A LIFE FOR THE CZAR from Montpelier or EUGENE ONEGIN from Riga.  If NPR can’t make up their minds, I can’t be bothered

1:00-6:00 WCNY:  IL BARBIERE DI SIVIGLIA from Houston.  An angry mob, driven mad by a Rossini crescendo, storms the villa and impales Ambrogio in the mistaken belief that he is Rob Besserer.

1:00-5:00 WRR:  LA FANCIULLA DEL WEST.  Returning to the saloon to drown their sorrows, the miners discover that Minnie has sold it to a cadre of Albanian sex-workers.

2:00-5:00 Bayerische Staatsoper Telecast:  Wildmann’s BABYLON.  On a triple-bill with ADOLESCENTLON and EARLYADULTLON.

2:00-6:00 BBC 3:  GIULIO CESARE from ENO.  Ottavia comes off pretty well, getting the pizza franchise for all of Rome.

2:00-6:00 DEUTSCHLANDRADIO KULTUR:  A survey of the works of Hans Werner Henze.  RIP, little Leftist, your work is done.

2:00-6:00 RADIO 4 NETHERLANDS:  THE TSAR’S BRIDE from Riga.  Citing a typographical error in the original, the director has devised that it is The Tsar’s BRIDGE which is destroyed, so a quick trip to the dentist sets everything right.

2:00-6:00 FRANCE MUSIQUE:  LA FILLE DU REGIMENT from Paris.  A happy ending is assured when Natalie shows she can still sing as well as she did ten years ago.

2:00-5:00 NRK KLASSISK and P2:  ELIJAH from Bergen.  Staged in a Country-Western bar, the high point is the line-dance version of “Poor ol’ E-Li-Jah, he never had a date.”

2:00-7:00 RADIO CLASICA DE ESPANA:  LES TROYENS from The Proms.  A hard-hitting expose of the high fashion industry, audience members are urged to “Troy this Awn.”  “Naow, troy this one awn.”

2:00-6:00 RTP ANTENA 2:  DER FLIEGENDE HOLLANDER from Bayreuth.  In a mash-up with IOLANTHE, Van der Decken discovers that while he can fly from the waist up, from the waist down, he’s a neutered cocker spaniel.  Under such circumstances, Senta’s suicide not only makes sense, but becomes rather admirable.

2:20-5:00 DR P2 KLASSISK:  STRADELLA by Cesar Franck, as opposed to the version by Cesar Devious.

2:30-5:00 BARTOK RADIO:  ROMEO ET JULIETTE from Stockholm, 1940.  “Do you like Bjoerling?”  “I don’t know; I’ve never bjoerled.”

2:30-6:00 CESKY ROZHLAS VLTAVA:  SCHWANDA DER DUDELSACKPFEIFFER.  Due to another typographical error, the first porno opera “Schwang and his Doodlesack” never saw the light of day.

2:30-5:30 RADIO OESTERREICH:  MACBETTO.  Nadja Michael was busy elsewhere, so this version has Jenifer Larmore, so you can put down your knives.

2:30-5:00 SVERIGES RADIO P2:  Unander-Scharin’s THE ELEPHANT MAN. Sabu’s life story set to music.

3:00-7:00 ESPACE 2:  L’ELISIR D’AMORE from Lausanne.  In a hard-hitting expose of the condensed milk industry, Elsie, the Mordant Cow reveals that each of her four spigots produces a different vintage.

3:00-7:00 KLARA:  AGRIPPINA from Vlaamse.  When a psychotherapist convinces the empress to “get a grip on yourself,” peace descends on Old Rome.

3:00-8:00 LYRIC FM:  LE ROI MALGRE LUI from Wexford.  Leroy and Louie are best pals.  They terrorize Poland by spray-painting fart jokes on all public monuments.

3:00-6:00 HR2 KULTUR:  FIDELIO fom Turin.  Since this is the Turin’ production, we’ll have to wait until they unload the bus-and-truck to see what it’s like.

3:00-6:00 LATVIA RADIO KLASIKA:  OBERTO from Paris. As a sassy, high-class revue, “Oh, Bert, Oh” traces the actor’s life story.  Don’t miss the second half — “Tricks in the Parks.”

3:00-6:00 (?) RADIO SLOVENIA TRETJI:  SIEGFRIED.  A million laughs under its new title, “Hellza-Pappano.”

4;00-6:00 RADIO STEPHANSDOM:  LAKME.  “Lak me?!?  You’ll LUV me!!”

4:00-7:00 RADIO TRE:  SEMELE.  Due to the Vow of Silence being taken by all Handelian sopranos, this one comes in two hours shorter than usual.