When Ladies Meet

And now, the solution to the "Sleepwalking Scene" quiz.

Una... due...

The clock is running out on the great Sleepwalking Scene contest, ladies and gentlemen! With only three hours and change to go, no one has successfully identified all 14 Ladies. Currently leading the pack with 13 correct are MC (not to be confused with Maria Callas) and DS (not to be confused with, uh, Dame Joan Sutherland). Each of these savants, however, stumbled on the mysterious Lady Number Six. Can you guess her identity (along with the other 13, of course), email La Cieca, and win the coveted amazon.com gift certificate?

No Sleep 'Til Sunnyside

Not a whole lot of news on matters operatic in the past couple of days, so La Cieca has decided a competitive quiz is in order. The clip below is the "Sleepwalking Scene" from Verdi's Macbeth divided among 14 sopranos and mezzo-sopranos. All you have to do is name the 14 singers in the correct order. (La Cieca has decided to be merciful this time and omit overly obscure singers. Each singer in this clip is or was internationally famous. However, La Cieca cautions you that not all these singers included Lady Macbeth in their onstage repertoire.)


When you believe you know all 14 voices, send your answer to [email protected]. First correct answer will receive a gift certificate from amazon.com. Should there be no entry with all 14 correct answers by midnight on Tuesday, January 29, La Cieca will choose randomly among the entries with the highest number of correct answers.

In the meantime, please feel free to discuss and make wild guesses in the comments section.

UPDATE: As of Monday evening, La Cieca has not declared a winner. There is a tie for first place with two entries each naming 13 out of 14 correctly. Interestingly, they both mistake the same Lady. For those of you who might want to do a little more intensive study of the Ladies (and La Cieca doesn't mean only the lesbians in the audience!), here's the mp3 to download.

We have a winner!

The people have spoken, and they have chosen Winpal as the author of the wittiest Season Brochure. Congratulations to Winpal and all you cher public who participated!

Runners-up and their lilting melodies

Excellent lines from some of the many, many "Season Brochures" that didn't make the final five.

Soprano Montserrat Caballe stars as Jeanette, a virginal pony who for most of the opera is disguised as a mysterious duck. Montserrat Caballe is perhaps best known from TV's Sex & The City where she sang the lilting melody "My Way."

Soprano Diana Damrau stars as Alice, a virginal mortar and pestle who for most of the opera is disguised as a mysterious desk accessory. Diana Damrau is perhaps best known from TV's The West Wing where she sang the lilting melody "Oops I Did It Again."

Soprano Rosa Ponselle stars as Giuletta, a virginal cattle prod who for most of the opera is disguised as a mysterious cigar. Rosa Ponselle is perhaps best known from TV's Heroes where she sang the lilting melody "Without a Song."

Soprano Joan Sutherland stars as Hortensia, a virginal abbess who for most of the opera is disguised as a mysterious food processor. Joan Sutherland is perhaps best known from TV's Miami Vice where she sang the lilting melody "Vesti la giubba."

Dame Gwyneth Jones is perhaps best known from TV's The Life Of Riley where she sang the lilting melody "The Leader Of The Pack."

Hildegard Behrens is perhaps best known from TV's Buffy the Vampire Slayer where she sang the lilting melody "How much is that doggy in the window?"

Zinka Milanov is perhaps best known from TV's Everybody Loves Raymond where she sang the lilting melody "Hava Negila."

Victoria de los Angeles is perhaps best known from TV's Fear Factor where she sang the lilting melody "Let's hear it for the boy."

Aprile Millo is perhaps best known from TV's Nanny and the Professor where she sang the lilting melody "I Will Survive."

June Anderson is perhaps best known from TV's Leave It To Beaver where she sang the lilting melody "Love Don't Live Here Anymore."

Ljuba Weltisch is perhaps best known from TV's The Gong Show where she sang the lilting melody "Oompa Loompa Doopity Do."

Dawn Upshaw is perhaps best known from TV's So Graham Norton where she sang the lilting melody "It Sucks to be Me."

Birgit Nilsson is perhaps best known from TV's Grey's Anatomy where she sang the lilting melody "Glitter and be Gay."

Maria Callas is perhaps best known from TV's The Simpsons where she sang the lilting melody "We wish you a Merry Christmas."

Galina Gorchakova is perhaps best known from TV's Ugly Betty where she sang the lilting melody "Super Trouper".

Christine Brewer is perhaps best known from TV's Brothers and Sisters where she sang the lilting melody "Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong."

Leonie Rysanek is perhaps best known from TV's Wife Swap where she sang the lilting melody "Sexy Back."

Cheryl Studer is perhaps best known from TV's My Name is Earl where she sang the lilting melody "Let the Bright Seraphim."

Mara Zampieri is perhaps best known from TV's American Gladiators where she sang the lilting melody "Get your tongue out of my mouth, I am kissing you goodbye."

Brochuremania 2007: Vote for your favorite Season Brochure

Now is the time to restore La Cieca's faith in the democratic process, cher public! The polls will remain open until midnight on Thursday, December 6. Remember, the winner receives a gift certificate from amazon.com.

	Which is your favorite Season Brochure?
	The 1924 Season for Parma Grand Opera by Julian
	The 1954 Season for Selma Grand Opera by Orestes
	The 1995 Season for Seattle Grand Opera by James
	The 2008 Season for Montego Bay Grand Opera by Winpal
	The 2007 Season for Buffalo Grand Opera by Indiana
polls

"The Season Brochure" - you be the judge (part 1)

La Cieca was franky overwhelmed by both the volume and the quality of the "Season Brochure" contest entries, so she's decided to ask you, her cher public, to help decide the winner. In this and four succeeding posts, she will present five finalists. Later today, she will post a ballot so you, the cher public, may vote on your #1 favorite.

Julian writes:

The 1924 season for Parma Grand Opera promises an eclectic mix of squally and humungous works, as well as a gala glottal stop featuring the flatulent personality Liberace as special dog trainer.

The squat classic, Italo Montemezzi's La Fuoco di Istanbul boasts a new production directed by Coco Chanel, with costumes by Winston Churchill. This wheezy staging updates the action to Rotterdam in the early part of the 7th century. Soprano Dame Clara Butt stars as Fanny, a virginal scheitel who for most of the opera is disguised as a mysterious waste disposal. Dame Clara Butt is perhaps best known from TV's Six Feet Under where she sang the lilting melody "Come Into The Garden, Maud."

The neglected masterpiece Der Sehnsuchterlebnisbusselhalter will be revived for only 17 performances. You probably already know the famous "Breast Pump Chorus" which was used on the soundtrack of the Academy Award winning film A Horn Blows At Midnight. Due to the length of this work, all performances will begin at the shank of the evening.

Finally, the company will present the Peoria premiere of the opera The Life and Times of Carol Channing in a co-production with Lyric Opera of Chicago and Carl Rosa. The libretto is by Isadora Duncan, based on the play Shopping And F**king, and the music is adapted from the works of Engelbert Humperdinck by maestro Arthur Nikisch. Exciting newcomer Condolleezza Rice makes her operatic debut as the smarmy heroine, and the men in her life are portrayed by Bea Arthur, David Beckham and Johnny Wadd.

Generous support for Parma Grand Opera's Inter-Uterine Device was provided by the Bela Lugosi Foundation and the National Endowment for the Iron Lung.

The Season Brochure

La Cieca presents an all-purpose season brochure for an American opera company, done in the familiar "Mad-Lib" style. Enter text in the boxes below, then click the "Go Mad" button to read your version of The Season Brochure.

YEAR CITY ADJECTIVE ADJECTIVE NOUN ADJECTIVE FAMOUS PERSON NOUN ADJECTIVE COMPOSER ITALIAN WORD CITY FAMOUS PERSON FAMOUS PERSON ADJECTIVE NAME OF PLACE NUMBER NAME OF SOPRANO WOMAN`S NAME NOUN NOUN TELEVISION SHOW SONG GERMAN WORD GERMAN WORD GERMAN WORD NUMBER NOUN MOVIE TIME OF DAY NAME OF PLACE FAMOUS PERSON OPERA COMPANY OPERA COMPANY FAMOUS PERSON NAME OF PLAY COMPOSER CONDUCTOR FAMOUS WOMAN ADJECTIVE FAMOUS PERSON FAMOUS PERSON FAMOUS PERSON NOUN FAMOUS PERSON NOUN

Send your version of the Season Brochure to La Cieca by copying and pasting the resulting text into an email addressed to [email protected]. The author of the Season Brochure judged "most amusing" will be awarded a gift certificate from amazon.com.

The solution to the "Ernani involami" quiz

All right, cher public, now that the competion is closed, La Cieca will reveal the 20 singers performing the composite "Ernani involami." First, you might want to listen to the original clip one more time. Now, ready? Here are our 20 divas, pictured and named. Just click on the YouTube clip to play.

Gli enigmi sono venti

UPDATE: Here's the "Ernani involami" vocal identification quiz -- 20 singers in seven minutes. As of Wednesday night, the two leading entries are tied at 17 correct answers each. Remember, the competition ends at midnight on Friday!


La Cieca (not pictured) is practically beside herself (also not pictured) with glee now that she has published the most recent episode of Unnatural Acts of Opera. Why, you ask? Well, not only does the show include the final two acts of Verdi's Ernani (starring Anita Cerquetti, Mario Del Monaco, Ettore Bastianini and Boris Christoff, with Dimitri Mitropoulos conducting), but this time around there's a very special edition of "The Enigmas of La Cieca," one of the composite vocal identification quizzes you so adore. The winner of this quiz will be the (no doubt overwhelmed) recipient of the three-DVD set Cult Camp Classics 2 - Women in Peril, which includes Joan Crawford's final theatrical film, Trog.

You can as always listen to the show on the Unnatural Acts page, or, if you're feeling particularly competitive, you can download it from the Archive page.

UPDATE: as of 8:00 AM Monday, the contestant to beat is "MC," who submitted 14 out of the 20 correct answsers. As Milton Host explained to you all during the podcast, the competiton continues until midnight on Friday, October 26, 2007. If there is no entry with all 20 singers correctly identified, La Cieca will select a winner by means of a random drawing from the tying entries with the most correct answers. La Cieca's decision is (as in all things) final and irrevocable. That email address again [email protected].

No answer?

Curiously, the response to La Cieca's challenge to identify the ten "wrong numbers" she reached whilst trying to phone Milton Host has evoked something less than the usual excitement associated with an Unnatural Acts of Opera quiz. As such, your doyenne will make it easy for you by making available an excerpt from the Vestale podcast with just the "riotously funny" bits. So, it's up to you, chers commentateurs: who are all these people?

La Cieca plays phone tag

While You Were Out

Your doyenne La Cieca goes it alone on the current podcast of Unnatural Acts of Opera, doing her best to introduce the third act of Spontini's La Vestale starring Leyla Gencer. Co-host Milton Host, it seems, was unable to reach the studio, and so La Cieca attempted to contact him via the telephone.

An unfortunate tangle of crossed wires and a voicemail system from Hell led to, well, quite a bit of confusion. In the course of her fruitless search for cher Milton, La Cieca managed to speak to no fewer than 10 celebrities over the telephone.

So as to transform fruitlessness into fruit punch, La Cieca proposes the following challenge: can you name all ten boldface "wrong numbers" that she reaches in the course of the current podcast? If you can, please email your answers (in the correct order) to [email protected].

The first email received with all the correct names will receive one of La Cieca's widely-coveted gift packages. The podcast may be heard at the usual Unnatural Acts of Opera site or downloaded from the Archives page.

How tief is your love

Surrounding the second act of D'Albert's opera Tiefland on the current episode of Unnatural Acts of Opera is a veritable plethora of special features. First, La Cieca takes a telephone call from an icon of stage, screen and recordings (hint: she was the surprise star of Broadway's Hit the Sky). Then our old, old, old friend Tallulah Bankhead drops by the studio along with none other than legendary, lovely Marlene Dietrich for a Sapphic singalong. After the act, your doyenne introduces the latest installment of The Enigmas of La Cieca, and, yes, it's another vocal identification. Take the quiz and determine your Norma-Q! Unnatural Acts of Opera.

After the ballo

... is over, you can hear a performance of the winning entry in the Madlib challenge, devised and written by the lovely and talented Le Cerf Agile and performed by the Apocryphal Opera Anecdote Theater of the Air Players. The actors have informed La Cieca that they are honored to be performing such top-notch material, and La Cieca has replied "How lovely for you" or words to that effect. Le Cerf and the other four winners should keep an eye on the mailbox for their rewards in the form of historic opera DVDs. Also on the latest episode of Unnatural Acts of Opera, the aforementioned third act of Un ballo in maschera and a wild rant by your doyenne on the subject of the Met's Jenufa.

Fourth among equals

Our fourth and final runner-up in the Madlib competition. Do check back at Unnatural Acts of Opera later this evening when the Grand Prize winner's creation will be performed as the latest episode of Apocryphal Opera Anecdote Theatre of the Air.

Margaret Junktrunk

Hello there and welcome to the Sirius Metropolitan Opera broadcast of Krzysztof Penderecki's beloved masterpiece The Taming of the Shrew, a work that illustrates the idea, first expressed by Wittgenstein, "You gits what ya pays for," or, as the libretto puts it, "Troppi prosciutto e lontano troppo salato." In today's performance we will hear tenor Salvatore Licitra, baritone Dimitri Hvorotsovsky, mezzo-soprano Helga Dernesch, and a young soprano appearing for the first time at Metropolitan Opera debut this season, Renee Fleming.

Of Renee Fleming's debut here two eternities ago, Martin Bernheimer wrote in Cat Fancy, "Not since Giuditta Pasta melted the heart of a 87 year old fan seated far up in the Grand Tier of the great Tower of Babel has any artist managed spanking both the dank and devastating aspects of Penderecki's bovine-faced little crack whore-girl. Her high F#s are pure, with the instrumental timbre of a bagpipe, and she is not afraid to use uvula resonance when necessary."

In tonight's performance, Renee Fleming will wear a dirndl that was specially created by the famous designer Coco Chanel for Maria Callas when she sang this role at Monte Carlo in the 1959 season. We have with us in the studio this evening Quentin Crisp , a freelance bodybuilder and stage director, who will share an anecdote with us about tonight's opera.

Quentin Crisp

Thank you, Margaret. This story takes place exactly 59 years ago this week, when the famous divas Maria Callas and Maria Malibran were rivals both on the opera stage and for the affections of Pope Paul VI. One of the ladies had a precious topaz-encrusted dirndl that was a gift from the Shah of Iran following a particularly phenomenal performance of Wozzeck in Genoa. What she did not know at that time was that Franco Alfano had written a special cabaletta for...

Margaret Junktrunk

I'm afraid we're running short on time; can you just jump to the punchline?

Peter Allen

"And so, a dispute over a dirndl was the cause of the eruption of Mount Vesuvius.."

Margaret Junktrunk

Thank you! In our next intermission, we will have a discussion on the subject of the "scuro" musical style, with panelists Christina Aguilera, Mike Tyson and Barack Obama, moderated by our very own disgruntled hostess Beverly Sills. In just a moment, we will hear the excrutiating opening measures of tonight's opera. Yes, now Maestro Nello Santi is entering the torture chamber and our opera will begin horrifingly.

-- G. Paul Padillo

Feast and famine

Margaret Junktrunk

Hello there, I'm your announcer Margaret Junktrunk. Welcome to the Sirius Metropolitan Opera broadcast of Benjamin Britten's beloved masterpiece Bangers and Mash, a work that illustrates the idea, first expressed by Julia Child, "Eat, drink and be Mary," or, as the libretto puts it, "Mangia, mangia!" In today's performance we will hear tenor Ian Bostridge, baritone Simon Keenlyside, mezzo-soprano Janet Baker, and a young soprano appearing for the first time at Metropolitan Opera debut this season, Jane Eaglen.

Of Jane Eaglen's debut here two meals ago, Stephanie von Buchau wrote in Unzipped, "Not since Ernestine Schumann-Heink melted the heart of a 106 year old fan seated far up in the Grand Tier of the great Old Met has any artist managed to devour both the appetizer and dessert aspects of Benjamin Britten's corpulent little hot dog vendor-girl. Her high E-flats are pure, with the instrumental timbre of a tuba, and she is not afraid to use her left nipple resonance when necessary."

In tonight's performance, Jane Eaglen will wear a turban that was specially created by the famous designer Gianni Versace for Sara Scuderi when she sang this role at Casa Verdi in the 1957 season. We have with us in the studio this evening Joey Stefano, a freelance hustler and stage director, who will share an anecdote with us about tonight's opera.

Joey Stefano

Thank you, Margaret. This story takes place exactly 50 years ago this week, when the famous divas Sara Scuderi and Aprile Millo were rivals both on the opera stage and for the affections of Aristotle Onassis. One of the ladies had a precious cubic zirconium-encrusted turban that was a gift from Isadora Duncan following a particularly decadent performance of Hansel and Gretel in Parma. What she did not know at that time was that Humperdinck had written a special lied for...

Margaret Junktrunk

I'm afraid we're running short on time; can you just jump to the punchline?

Peter Allen

"And so, a dispute over a turban was the cause of the Irish Potato Famine."

Margaret Junktrunk

Thank you! In our next intermission, we will have a discussion on the subject of the "Salsiccia" musical style, with panelists Ruben Studdard, Akebono and Jerrold Nadler, moderated by our very own ravenous hostess Beverly Sills. In just a moment, we will hear the ponderous opening measures of tonight's opera. Yes, now Maestro Sarah Caldwell is entering the bowels of the orchestra and our opera will begin flatulently.

-- Winpal

More junk from the trunk

Margaret Junktrunk

Hello there! I'm your announcer Margaret Junktrunk. Welcome to the Sirius Metropolitan Opera broadcast of Ligeti's beloved masterpiece Tosca, a work that illustrates the idea, first expressed by Hegel, "A stitch in time saves nine," or, as the libretto puts it, "Basta!" In today's performance we will hear tenor Ian Bostridge, baritone Thomas Hampson, mezzo-soprano Regine Crespin, and a young soprano appearing for the first time at Metropolitan Opera debut this season, Kathy Battle.

Of Kathy Battle's debut here two months ago, Alex Ross wrote in Popular Mechanics, "Not since Rosa Ponselle melted the heart of a six year old fan seated far up in the mezzanine of the great Mayflower Hotel has any artist managed going both the weird and large aspects of Ligeti's silly little dentist-girl. Her high e flats are pure, with the instrumental timbre of a clarinet, and she is not afraid to use thigh resonance when necessary."

In tonight's performance, Kathy Battle will wear a toga that was specially created by the famous designer Halston for Leontyne Price when she sang this role at Covent Garden in the 1955 season. We have with us in the studio this evening Peter Allen, a freelance massage therapist and stage director, who will share an anecdote with us about tonight's opera.

Peter Allen

Thank you, Margaret. This story takes place exactly eleven years ago this week, when the famous divas Leontyne Price and Mirella Freni were rivals both on the opera stage and for the affections of Napoleon. One of the ladies had a precious ruby-encrusted toga that was a gift from Winston Churchill following a particularly licentious performance of Lady Macbeth of Mtsensk in Naples. What she did not know at that time was that Poulenc had written a special chorale for...

Margaret Junktrunk

I'm afraid we're running short on time; can you just jump to the punchline?

Peter Allen

"And so, a dispute over a toga was the cause of The Hundred Years War."

Margaret Junktrunk

Thank you! In our next intermission, we will have a discussion on the subject of the "ragazza" musical style, with panelists Kylie Minogue, Bobby Orr and Tony Blair, moderated by our very own silly hostess Beverly Sills. In just a moment, we will hear the ponderous opening measures of tonight's opera. Yes, now Maestro Riccardo Muti is entering Paris and our opera will begin eventually.

-- John Welch

Ghostwriters in the Sky

La Cieca is [adjective] to announce that over [number] of her cher public were moved to [blank] the "MadLibs" competition. The [adjective] five entries will win an [adjective] DVD for their authors.

The first-among-equals grand prize winner's composition will be performed on Unnatural Acts of Opera as the next installment of the "Apocryphal Opera Anecdote Theater" segment. The four other winners La Cieca will publish here at parterre.com.

To start off the collaboratory festivities, let's hear from Goodbye Ernest:

Margaret Junktrunk

Hello. I'm your announcer Margaret Junktrunk. Welcome to the Sirius Metropolitan Opera broadcast of Arvo Part's beloved masterpiece Die Walkure, a work that illustrates the idea, first expressed by Sartre, "Seize the day!" -- or, as the libretto puts it, "Dove posso prendere i biglietti per il concerto?" In today's performance we will hear tenor Rolando Villazon, baritone Peter Mattei, mezzo-soprano Denyce Graves, and a young soprano appearing for the first time at Metropolitan Opera debut this season, Renaay.

Of Renaay's debut here two fortnights ago, Alex Ross wrote in Teen People, "Not since Maria Callas melted the heart of a nine year old fan seated far up in the parterre of the great Second Temple has any artist managed to ravish both the enchanted and cursed aspects of Arvo Part's obstinate little athlete-girl. Her high F#s are pure, with the instrumental timbre of a alpenhorn, and she is not afraid to use ankle resonance when necessary."

In tonight's performance, Renaay will wear a kneepad that was specially created by the famous designer Galliano for Renata Tebaldi when she sang this role at L'Opera Bastille in the 1969 season. We have with us in the studio this evening Nathan Lane, a freelance janitor and stage director, who will share an anecdote with us about tonight's opera.

Nathan Lane

Thank you, Margaret. This story takes place exactly 3.14 years ago this week, when the famous divas Renata Tebaldi and Kathleen Battle were rivals both on the opera stage and for the affections of The Marquis de Lafayette. One of the ladies had a precious ruby-encrusted kneepad that was a gift from Caligula following a particularly icy performance of Le Nozze di Figaro in Padua. What she did not know at that time was that Leopold Mozart had written a special Gregorian chant for...

Margaret Junktrunk

I'm afraid we're running short on time; can you just jump to the punchline?

Nathan Lane

"And so, a dispute over a kneepad was the cause of the First Crusade."

Margaret Junktrunk

Thank you! In our next intermission, we will have a discussion on the subject of the "farfallone" musical style, with panelists Beyonce, Serena Williams and Rudy Giuliani, moderated by our very own wooden hostess Beverly Sills. In just a moment, we will hear the egregious opening measures of tonight's opera. Yes, now Maestro Tommasini is entering Paris and our opera will begin merrily.

Junktrunk speaks!

"Of Edita Gruberova's debut here two weeks ago, Hanslick wrote in Latin Inches, 'Not since Elisabeth Schwarzkopf melted the heart of a gazillion year old fan seated far up in the loge of the great Everard Baths has any artist managed to slide both the waggish and buxom aspects of Wagner's strapping little jailer-girl. Her high F sharps are pure, with the instrumental timbre of a theremin, and she is not afraid to use elbow resonance when necessary'."

Yes, the judging has begun in the first MadLib competition. Look on this site for an announcement of the winners later today.

Collaborate with La Cieca

A radio script that La Cieca promised to deliver tonight sits unfinished, and only you, cher public, can save the doyenne's bacon. The best completions will be eligible for lavish prizes. If you care to give the old girl a hand, just follow this link.