So. We are back. I notice a few empty seats. Obviously they did not "get"
Bitchy. No matter. At my point in life you get used to such disappointment
and rudeness, n'est-ce-que-pas?
That's how it is with audiences today.
People are too worried about making that last bus home to give an artist
her due. You knock yourself out for hours trying to communicate with cretins
only to go out for your curtain call to find people crawling over each
other to get to the exits. Show�s over, time to go home -- what is it they
say --it's my way or the highway? I don't consider these people worthy
of my time. They are more like ... oh, what is the phrase? ... you know,
help me! I know! A hooker after a premature ejaculation. And, no. As I
said before, I will not be singing. They only paid the lecture fee. Now,
let's get on with it. It is clear little Miss Rondine has decided
she doesn't have the balls for an opera career. So be it. Next victim!
Who will it be? Lulu, Salome, Semiramide, Baby Doe? Avanti, avanti! Stagehand,
shove someone out please. You. What is your name?
FRANCOIS Francois Cleftbum. BITCHY Are you Greek? FRANCOIS No, Miss Spice. I'm a countertenor. BITCHY Definitely NOT Greek. But you have balls. A name like that AND a countertenor. And a rather studly one at that! So what are you going to sing for us, Mr. Cleftbum? Rinaldo, Xerxes, Giulio Cesare, Oberon? FRANCOIS The Immolation scene from GOTTERDAMMERUNG. BITCHY Excuse me? Some water, please. Quickly. And why have you chosen that particular scena, Mr. Countertenor? FRANCOIS Well ... I love Deborah Polaski. BITCHY That makes one of you. No, I am not here to lampoon my associates. But do you understand what this aria is about? Why don't you translate it for me? FRANCOIS You mean ...? BITCHY The words. FRANCOIS Oh. "Starke Scheite ..." BITCHY In English. FRANCOIS Well ..."Starke Scheite" means "Mighty faggots.� BITCHY Yes? FRANCOIS And ... "schichtet" means "pile up" �Mir� is, uh, �on me?� BITCHY And "dort?" FRANCOIS "Dirt" means ... "dort" means ... I've got it! "Mighty faggots pile up on me and go to sleep." BITCHY Close enough. The important thing is you are singing about something you know. Yes. Po, po, po. Well, why don't you come here, Mr. Cleftbum, and we will start. Now it is important to sing from the groin when attempting a role for which you are not physically suited. As Leontyne used to say ... "It doesn't suit the TAMBA of my voice" ... and there were a lot of roles Leontyne performed of which she could say that. But I am not here to chaff my compeers. Mr. Cleftbum -- and it is a rather nice one -- I want you to press your groin against the piano here. In that way, you will feel the vibrations as ... I'm sorry ... what was your name again? ... Oh, that's right. We decided to just call you The Accompanist ... you will feel the vibrations as The Accompanist is playing. I will press myself against you from behind so you will get the full force, as it were. That's it. Are you comfortable, Mr. Countertenor? FRANCOIS Well ... it's all right. But I feel like I'm the filling in a sandwich. BITCHY Precisely. It is called a menage a trois. It is a technical term. Perhaps some of you would like to look it up later. Now, The Accompanist, if you could start with the introduction? (The Accompanist begins the first dramatic chords.) FRANCOIS Oooooo! BITCHY Excuse me? Are you doing warm up exercises? Now is not the time. FRANCOIS I'm sorry, Miss Spice. It's just ... the vibrations ... BITCHY Yes. That's what you are supposed to be feeling. Do you feel a tingling? FRANCOIS Rather more than that. BITCHY You are a quick learner. Accompanist, continue, please. FRANCOIS (singing) "Starke Scheite Schichtet" ... Ooooooo. BITCHY And what is the problem now? FRANCOIS I don't know. Could you not press me so hard from behind, Miss Spice? BITCHY I want you to feel the vibrations of the music. FRANCOIS I AM. That's the PROBLEM! BITCHY Oh, I am sure this position is not unusual for you. Eventually you will get used to it and you will enjoy it. Now, can we please start again? FRANCOIS "Starke Scheite schichtet mir ..." BITCHY That�s it! It�s a beautiful spring night in Germany! Feel all those mighty German faggots all piled up on you! They are asleep! Hear them snoring! FRANCOIS Ooooo ... Ooooo ... Aaaaa .... Aaaaa ... hAAAAA ... BITCHY Are you singing from your groin, Mr. Cleftbum? FRANCOIS Yes, yes, Miss Spice! Ohh! OHHHH! ....uh ... could I be excused? BITCHY You sing four words and you wish to be excused? Do you need to call your agent? FRANCOIS No. I need to use the rest room, please. BITCHY Very well. Please return when you are better prepared. It appears to me that you do not have the stamina for this aria. FRANCOIS Perhaps you are right, Miss Spice? Would you have a towel? BITCHY No, I'm afraid not. Now off you go to the powder room. Thanks for coming. (FRANCOIS makes a hasty exit keeping his back to the audience.) BITCHY Youth. One has to learn control. This Cleftbum would make a good audience member. Of course, those of you in the media will misrepresent this episode in tomorrow's tabloids. I can see the headlines now: "Bitchy Molests Student." Po, po, po. By the way, I hate sexual harrassment. It reminds me of a momentous moment in my career. And you, dear audience, know what THAT means. It is time for another of those WONDERFUL flashbacks where I get to act like Sybil and play many characters from my past. Some mood music, please. You, in the booth. Jump to light cue number 67. Thank you. My debut at the Philadelphia Opera. This was my first appearance in the States, a stepping stone to that great Mecca of Artistic Achievement, the Metropolitan Opera! Please, no laughter. I am not here to deride my venues. The press had a field day: Former Spice Girl As Tosca In Philly - Began Career At Kensington Baths. Le Tout New York made the trip to check the new girl out. But the costume is too tight! It is binding me bosoms! �But, Miss Spice, you have very large breasts. What can we do?� Smirking from the large man (300 pounder or rounder) with the white beard who is drinking martinis on the sidelines. He smells like a pub floor. Think St. Nicholas as a serial stalker. This is my Scarpia. �Perhaps you should sing roles more appropriate to your physique, Bitchy. Roles like LES MAMELLES DE TIRESIAS?� He is ogling my semi-clad form. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt, been the T-shirt, got the poster, been the poster. Perhaps, Scarpia, you should shut your hole. Mine's making money. �You know, when they first told me the identity of my Tosca, I thought they were referring to a black drag queen.� And, obviously, you would have preferred that, you closet case wanker. After the first act, Mario rushes back to tell me Scarpia is masturbating during the Te Deum. This is sleaziness at its zenith. War has been declared. After all, the opera is TOSCA � not SCARPIA'S MEMBER. Our confrontation scene in the second act ignites. Never have I been so unhinged, so demented. This man, this Scarpia, brings out my latent hostility towards self serving, perverse males. The kind who only worry about getting theirs and not whether you are getting yours. "Perche me ne rimuneri cosi?" I look up at the end of the aria. Scarpia stands before me, rubbing his crotch. He rips my dress. I casually step out of it and continue in the nude. I reach for the knife but find that it has not been preset. How to kill this bastard? This demon? As he utters the phrase "Tosca finalmente mia!" he throws me to the stage floor, diving after me and attempting to mount me. Suddenly I remember a WWF technique taught to me by Jean Eaglen. I wrap my legs around Scarpia�s neck. "Questo e il bacio di Tosca!" I squeeze all the hot air out of him. My enemy, my nemesis. "Ti soffoca il sangue? E ucciso da una black drag queen? Muori dannato! Muori! Muori! Muori!" Scarpia has stopped struggling. His face has turned blue. He looks like a dead Smurf. "E avanti a lui tremava tutta Philadelphia!" ...I think we should stop here. My prison experiences are another story. Perhaps I will reveal more at some future class. Or maybe this whole venture was misguided. I have tried to communicate something of this crazy art we call opera, this business we call �show.� Do not think singing opera is an easy career. You will get a lot more satisfaction from a big uncircumcised Greek dick. Providing you can find one. Sing from the groin. Stamina adds to longevity. It's not how long you make it, it's how you make it long. Follow these guidelines and someday an opera queen may decide to have YOUR image tattooed on his left shoulder blade. After all, that is what we all live for. SLOW CURTAIN |
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