We need a ray of Light (pictured) in these dark times, so you are invited to choose your chat Fodder (and Mudder) from these retooled presentations.
12:00-2:00 (?) DWOJKA POLSKIE: CARMEN. By eliminating the troublesome (and possibly spurious) final act, this performance of CARMEN ends as it should — Jose back in the village with Micaela, Carmen leading the high life with Escamillo.
12:00-3:00 LRT Klasika: JUDAS MACCABEUS from The Proms. Two rival street gangs make peace when one of their groupies gets a zit just before The Prom.
12:00-4:00 ESPACE MUSIQUE: DAVID ET JONATHAS. Saul blesses the union of David and Jonathan who ascend the throne as co-queens.
1:00-4:30 WFMT American Opera Network: FIDELIO from Houston. Karita Mattila introduces the Finnish finale, finishing the opera in Finnish.
1:00-5:00 CBC TWO: ORLANDO from La Monnaie. By staging the opera on 42nd Street in Orlando, Florida, the director is able to introduce the big chorus number, “We’re in the Monnaie.”
1:00-5:00 KBYU, WQED: LUCREZIA BORGIA from San Francisco. Lucrezia’s dotty Auntie Dotie enters at the last moment to resurrect everybody.
1:00-4:00 NPR World of Opera: Either A LIFE FOR THE CZAR from Montpelier or EUGENE ONEGIN from Riga. If NPR can’t make up their minds, I can’t be bothered
1:00-6:00 WCNY: IL BARBIERE DI SIVIGLIA from Houston. An angry mob, driven mad by a Rossini crescendo, storms the villa and impales Ambrogio in the mistaken belief that he is Rob Besserer.
1:00-5:00 WRR: LA FANCIULLA DEL WEST. Returning to the saloon to drown their sorrows, the miners discover that Minnie has sold it to a cadre of Albanian sex-workers.
2:00-5:00 Bayerische Staatsoper Telecast: Wildmann’s BABYLON. On a triple-bill with ADOLESCENTLON and EARLYADULTLON.
2:00-6:00 BBC 3: GIULIO CESARE from ENO. Ottavia comes off pretty well, getting the pizza franchise for all of Rome.
2:00-6:00 DEUTSCHLANDRADIO KULTUR: A survey of the works of Hans Werner Henze. RIP, little Leftist, your work is done.
2:00-6:00 RADIO 4 NETHERLANDS: THE TSAR’S BRIDE from Riga. Citing a typographical error in the original, the director has devised that it is The Tsar’s BRIDGE which is destroyed, so a quick trip to the dentist sets everything right.
2:00-6:00 FRANCE MUSIQUE: LA FILLE DU REGIMENT from Paris. A happy ending is assured when Natalie shows she can still sing as well as she did ten years ago.
2:00-5:00 NRK KLASSISK and P2: ELIJAH from Bergen. Staged in a Country-Western bar, the high point is the line-dance version of “Poor ol’ E-Li-Jah, he never had a date.”
2:00-7:00 RADIO CLASICA DE ESPANA: LES TROYENS from The Proms. A hard-hitting expose of the high fashion industry, audience members are urged to “Troy this Awn.” “Naow, troy this one awn.”
2:00-6:00 RTP ANTENA 2: DER FLIEGENDE HOLLANDER from Bayreuth. In a mash-up with IOLANTHE, Van der Decken discovers that while he can fly from the waist up, from the waist down, he’s a neutered cocker spaniel. Under such circumstances, Senta’s suicide not only makes sense, but becomes rather admirable.
2:20-5:00 DR P2 KLASSISK: STRADELLA by Cesar Franck, as opposed to the version by Cesar Devious.
2:30-5:00 BARTOK RADIO: ROMEO ET JULIETTE from Stockholm, 1940. “Do you like Bjoerling?” “I don’t know; I’ve never bjoerled.”
2:30-6:00 CESKY ROZHLAS VLTAVA: SCHWANDA DER DUDELSACKPFEIFFER. Due to another typographical error, the first porno opera “Schwang and his Doodlesack” never saw the light of day.
2:30-5:30 RADIO OESTERREICH: MACBETTO. Nadja Michael was busy elsewhere, so this version has Jenifer Larmore, so you can put down your knives.
2:30-5:00 SVERIGES RADIO P2: Unander-Scharin’s THE ELEPHANT MAN. Sabu’s life story set to music.
3:00-7:00 ESPACE 2: L’ELISIR D’AMORE from Lausanne. In a hard-hitting expose of the condensed milk industry, Elsie, the Mordant Cow reveals that each of her four spigots produces a different vintage.
3:00-7:00 KLARA: AGRIPPINA from Vlaamse. When a psychotherapist convinces the empress to “get a grip on yourself,” peace descends on Old Rome.
3:00-8:00 LYRIC FM: LE ROI MALGRE LUI from Wexford. Leroy and Louie are best pals. They terrorize Poland by spray-painting fart jokes on all public monuments.
3:00-6:00 HR2 KULTUR: FIDELIO fom Turin. Since this is the Turin’ production, we’ll have to wait until they unload the bus-and-truck to see what it’s like.
3:00-6:00 LATVIA RADIO KLASIKA: OBERTO from Paris. As a sassy, high-class revue, “Oh, Bert, Oh” traces the actor’s life story. Don’t miss the second half — “Tricks in the Parks.”
3:00-6:00 (?) RADIO SLOVENIA TRETJI: SIEGFRIED. A million laughs under its new title, “Hellza-Pappano.”
4;00-6:00 RADIO STEPHANSDOM: LAKME. “Lak me?!? You’ll LUV me!!”
4:00-7:00 RADIO TRE: SEMELE. Due to the Vow of Silence being taken by all Handelian sopranos, this one comes in two hours shorter than usual.